About Me

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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Words of Wisdom from Dad

  • “Amy Winehouse, absolutely.” - On which celebrity will die next

  • You didn’t have one of those funny cigarettes before you went out, did you?” - On my car accident

  • So ugly. Her chin is just disgusting. - On Reese Witherspoon

  • “I’m going to have a shower. I got this bit down around my crotch I can never reach... Can you help me?”To any of my female friends who visit

  • “Is it just me, or did the air get gayer in here all of a sudden? Oh, hello.”To any of my male friends or boyfriends who visit

  • “We got to the cinema, sat down, and after about fifteen minutes I realized I’d taken her to a full-on porno movie. This was back when they’d play real porn in cinemas.” - On his first date with my then 16-year-old mother

  • I’m sick of this rap crap.”On Sum 41

  • “That’s in South America.”Whenever someone remarks that the air is “chilly”

  • "What's wrong with Britney? She'd be a good root, I reckon. I'd slip Li-Lo one, too." On celebrity hotness

  • “What’s the word for once every two years? Is it biannual, or biennial? Anyway, I just did my biennial washing of the bed sheets. There was one very specific section that was just black. - On hygiene

  • “God, I can’t be bothered having a shower today. Anyway, I bet the water is as cold as a nun’s cunt.” - Hygiene wisdom, part II

  • “My mate dressed up in a gorilla suit and I was in a laboratory sort of outfit, holding a giant net in my hands. We got out at David Jones, and I chased him through the store, past all the staff and customers. We got onto a tram that was stopped in the middle of the Brisbane City Mall, ran up the aisle, and jumped off... I chased him all the way to Town Hall. Our mates were waiting there in the car, and we drove off.”On attending university

  • “Murphy! Stop fucking her face!” - On canine fornication

  • “Jesus, I need something to lift me up after that. Someone get me to the pub.’” – Providing the inner monologue for Lindsay Lohan, just sentenced to a 90-day jail sentence for failure to attend AA meetings

  • “I’m smart enough to win this show, but they only take people who dance around like fuckwits.”On Deal or No Deal.

  • “Now, he’s gay.”On any game show contestant that is not overtly masculine

  • “The dog just beat the amount of licks he had from his water-bowl - in one go – this morning. Guess how many? He took 107 sips. His previous record was 103.” – On his dog’s water consumption

  • “He just strains at the lead like you wouldn’t believe... gasping for air, choking on his collar. He only ever does it when there’s someone else around. I say to him, “shut the fuck up”, but he never does.”On walking the dog

  • “I haven’t dreamed in about five years, but I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I had this beautiful country cottage, somewhere in England. In the dream I woke up and went downstairs and my living room was filled with old pussies - Gran, Nandy, Gert, Betty – all the old women I’ve known in real life. They’d taken over the house and they were sitting on chairs in a large circle. They were clucking like hens and nattering on, and I realized I’d have to make them tea. It was the worst thing I could imagine.” - On elderly women

  • “Said the actress to the bishop.”Whenever someone says something that could be vaguely construed as sexual

  • “My paladin is stuck in Stormwind and I’ve got to do this quest using my Sword Of A Thousand Souls.”On pretending to play World of Warcraft

  • “Show us your tits.”On blonde female TV reporters

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