About Me

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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

What sharks are like

Sharks are like seacows but more stream-lined looking and with giant teeth. For this reason, they are impressive.

* When I was a little kid I was out on a speed boat with my Dad, way off the Gold Coast. He was fishing and I was at the other end of the boat. A shark started circling our boat and I thought, "If it leaps up and kills Dad, I will be next." Our geographical distance (at opposite end of the boat) also meant it could easily go for me first, but I hoped it wouldn't.

* Normally if you get into a fight with someone, you can punch them in the stomach or chest and crack their ribs. A shark will just mock you in this situation, as they don't have ribs. However, the joke's on them: as sharks have no rib cage, on land a shark's own weight can literally crush it". Drag the shark onto the shore and sit beside it, laughing, and "cheers" your victory with a tinnie.

* I asked my friend Cameron (the guy who likes lap dogs) what he would do if a shark tried to attack him. He said it wouldn't happen because he would just punch the cunt.

* Shark-tooth necklaces are MEGA fucked. For this reason, when you search google images for "shark tooth necklace" you'll instead get a picture of a hot Mila Kunis to offset the douchebaggery of these necklaces.
* The average shark will kill something like one in every twenty humans. The next time you're at a football match, take a look around. Nine thousand people sitting around you will one day be eaten by a shark.

* Sharks like water. If you're in water, you might be near a shark. Don't think pools are safe, either. I saw this campy dated James Bond movie where they put him in a pool and released sharks. Being alone in a pool is bad idea. If you swim with a friend, the shark might go for them first.

* The documentary Sharkwater shows sharks in a positive light and humans in a negative light. If I was a shark, I'd buy a plane ticket to Asia, cut off people's arms and make Human Arm Soup.
* In Jaws, there's a scene where the main guy is sitting reflectively at his kitchen table, his head resting on his stretched-out arms and staring off in a drunken stupour. After a while, the camera pans to the other end of the table and you realize he's not staring at nothing, he's staring at his dog, which is seated in the other chair. The dog is staring back at him. It's gay. When Cameron and I finally make an awesome movie, this scene will occur in a montage sequence in the middle.
* Sharks take a long time to digest food, with unwanted items never making it past the stomach. In this case, the shark will vomit the food out. This means if you get swallowed whole by a shark, you can spew your way out. Try punching the shark's punching bag organ thingy in its throat to get its gag reflex going.

* Sharks can swim to speeds of up to 19km per hour, which is kind of disappointing. You probably beat this speed circling your Woolworths car park.

* A popular myth is that sharks can't get cancer. Scientists have now found out they can. Can you imagine how funny it would be if a shark got boob cancer?

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