About Me

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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Guide to helping a non-smoker buy your smokes

1. The first thing you need to be is out of smokes, or about to be out of smokes. You notice this when your non-smoking friend announces that they are going to the shops.

2. Ask your departing non-smoking friend to wait. Then, ask them to buy you some cigarettes. Say "fine," in an exasperated voice when they start to kick up a fuss. This will help by making them retort, "fine, what am I getting you?"

3. Tell your friend you don't have any cash and they'll have to use your card to pay for the smokes separately. Tell them your password is FART and it's a savings account.

4. Tell them the brand of the smokes, but be vague with other information. When your friend says, "isn't there a number? Don't I have to say 50s or 75s or something?" Scoff at them and tell them they won't be asked for a number.

5. Sit back at home and have a relaxing glass of wine when you think of your friend trying to decide what size pack to get you when the shop assistant says, "25s or 50s?"

6. When your friend gets home, tell them they got the wrong size smokes packet.

7. Ask them for your card and receipt. Glance at the receipt and say, "how much did it cost?" in a shocked voice and then say, "Well, I didn't know you were going to the rip-off smokes place."

8. Have a smoke.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Cameron has had so many different jobs

As a Namibian bonobo trainer

After fleeing Australia when he saw a spider in his bed, Cameron settled in Namibia where he became very active in researching the local bonobo community. Living amongst missionairies and dreaming of a fairer world, Cameron became attached to Kunu, a 2-year old male bonobo who had been abandoned by his mother.

Cameron taught Kunu over 200 lexigrams and over 600 sign language signals. However, Kunu would often answer questions such as "How is Kunu today?" or "What colour is the lemon?" with a swift "you, fucked" hand signal or simply give Cameron the finger. The gorilla had not been taught this behaviour, suggesting a higher level of ape intelligence than researchers had previously estimated.

Cameron eventually left the camp when a group of gorillas ganged up on him one night and short-sheeted his bed.

Morale officer, Vietnam

Put in charge of the 7th company, it took over 600 friendly-fire fatalities for the US army to realize that Cameron had no military training whatsoever and was teaching the troops to kill the wrong side.
However, what his comrades did find in Cameron was a unique ability to boost morale. As one 7th Company officer noted, "No one could play the Venga Boys on guitar like Cameron."

Cameron's addictive guitar melodies inspired all around him and had the ability to rid one's soul of anger. Cameron alternated his nights going between the US and Vietcong camps, strumming out such diddies as "We like to party" and "We're going to Ibiza" until sunrise where the troops finally fell asleep, happy and sated.
People who now live in Vietnam swear that at night you can still hear Cameron strumming from over the hills, the words "Boom Boom Boom Boom, let's go back to my room" playing over and over.
Job of someone who goes to nice weddings

A few months ago Cameron came over late at night after a wedding. I said, “how was it?” and he said, “It was a very nice wedding.” I called in Shantelle and Kelvin and told them Cameron went to a nice wedding. Kelvin asked Cameron how the reception was, and he enthused, “It was really nice, too.” From across the room, I texted Cameron saying, “been to any nice weddings lately?” and he looked up at me and said, “Fuck off.”

The four of us talked about how nice weddings were, and how nice life was in general after a nice wedding, because you get to have a nice marriage. Cameron told me to fuck off. I told him that the synonyms for “nice” include pleasant, fine, lovely and polite. I added that he looked very pleasant and polite in his dishevelled suit. He told me to fuck off.

The next morning I woke him up by asking if the wedding the night before was nice and he told me to fuck off.
Raver Cam

Nightclubs in Brisbane's Valley favour people who spend hours dressing up to look like a cartoon character. If you do not look like a rainbow threw up on you, you are not allowed in.
Ravers can dance for hours, in some instances for up to six days straight before succumbing to dehydration, renal failure or choking on a bright pink hair extension. In order to cut back on raver deaths, nightclubs have hired Cameron to show up at around 5am on the weekends and start dancing in the middle of the floor with glow sticks. Cameron's dancing is proven to clear a dance floor on 99.8% of occasions.
Raver-related deaths decreased by 1650% under Cameron's rule.

Film extra
After missing out on the lead male role in the hit film Mr and Mrs Smith, Cameron was given a role as tupperware container #2 alongside Angelina Jolie.
Cameron was Predator #6 in Alien vs. Predator: Requiem, featured above. According to onset sources, Cameron remained in character for the 6 months it took to shoot the film. He was eventually shot 13 times by L.A. policeman when he accidentally wrapped his tentacles around a 7/11 attendant when purchasing a Jolt cola. Fortunately the bullets missed every major tentacle.

The dentist
Cameron's role as a dentist never really took off after he failed to connect with today's youth. Many patients stopped visiting Cameron's dental practice because of his persistent "Is it safe?" joke, which is lost on today's generation as they have not seen Marathon Man.

In spite of the bad jokes, I found Cameron to be at least as competent as any other dentist I've been to. Sometimes I walk to the burnt-out skeleton of the Happy Days Dental Den and imagine Cameron and I waltzing out the front of the surgery in its heyday, two happy ghosts enjoying better times and wearing dental masks.

1940s Pin-up

When Cameron lost out to Greta Garbo in the lead role of the 1935 film Anna Karenina, the public breathed a collective sigh of relief. But there were brighter times ahead for this hour-glassed Goddess, and Cameron found solace as being a pin-up girl for gas stations all over the Midwestern US.

During WWII, Cameron did the USO Show circuit where he was a big hit with his sexy ping-pong strip shows. Under the stage name "Flirty Fannie", Cameron would dance in nothing but a full-length 1940s black rubber swimsuit, revealing a tantalising strip of nude ankle and a bit of face underneath a floral swimming cap. He would then call US soldiers up onto stage and play an aggressive game of ping-pong.

By the time Hitler had committed suicide, Cameron was undefeated in ping pong after 356 competitive on-stage rubber suit-wearing games.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

How to dress like Cameron

I’ve had a lot of emails asking me about my friend Cameron, who likes lap dogs, and how one can dress like him.

I’ll level with you: dressing like Cameron is not easy. A meteorologist by day (and night when he has night shifts), at heart Cameron is a fashion aficionado of the highest order and has spent decades researching historical fashion in order to get the “right look”.
Wait, I was talking about Prince. Regarding both the questions about dressing like him and the commitment to fashion.

I think the meteorologist bit is about Cameron, but it’s possible that Prince is quite good at predicting the weather, too. He wrote the song Purple Rain which I believe is about acid rain that can kill people and make their skin turn purple, like a bunch of lesions making love to aggressive acne.

Dressing like Cameron tips:

• Your hat is your best friend. The kind of best friend that you hang out with all the time until you get drunk one night and leave your mate passed out in the car with the windows up and no food, water or clean air. You decide to ignore him, go to bed and the next day check if your best friend is alright.

He’s not. He’s covered in car dirt and sleep drool and shattered glass after a passerby decides to throw a brick through the car window.

Caps, wherever possible, must be white. This shows the dirt and rips from shattered glass best. No one likes a person who is obviously wearing new clothes, as this is an indication of frivolity and wealth.

Cameron is not frivolous, except when it comes to spending money on his latest lap dog. He prefers Pomeranians, but he is branching out now into Lhasa Apsos.

• If your shirt doesn’t say something, who will? When you’re wearing a slogan on your shirt, it’s like you’re walking around constantly screaming out your message over and over again at people.

Shouting is the best way to get your point across, except with a shirt you get to save your vocal chords and people can stare at your chest.

You can wear an Ecko brand logo instead of actual words, which tells people you like Ecko clothing because of the rhinoceros picture on your shirt. Rhinoceroses kill more people each year than terrorists do and as such you look tough.

Unfortunately, rhinoceroses can be mistaken for other creatures. Cameron found this out on a plane trip from Alabama to Vancouver, when an old Southerner lurched drunkenly towards him and said, “That ain’t no damn unicorn, is it, boy?” When Cameron explained it was a rhino, the man said, “Oh, good. I thought you were a damn queer.”

• Wear baggy pants or shorts. Your legs are used for walking and they need room to breathe. Baggy, loose-fitting clothing reduces your chance of developing genital thrush.

This is especially true in the case of pantaloons, through as Christian Rudder pointed out, nothing says “beat the crap out of me” like these beacons of comfort:

You can reduce your chances of being beaten up by writing, “My other pantaloons are hardcore” in a glittery, swirling font across the bum of your pants.

• Never, ever, EVER go anywhere without a hand puppet. Sometimes absent-minded people will forget to look at the slogan or logo on your t-shirt or pantaloons, but a hand puppet thrust in the face is impossible to ignore.

Hand puppets are an ideal way of getting rid of unsavoury characters. When I went on a road trip through Mexico, I found the best way to block the constant bartering and begging was by communicating through my fist.

That’s right, I painted a woman’s eyes and lips on my cupped hand and would only speak to street people using my hand as a puppet. My hand puppet had a messed-up quasi-Spanish accent and was called Jennifer Lopez. (Thank you, Cartman.)

Remember: Jennifer Lopez hand puppets are like snakes. People are more afraid of them than Jennifer Lopez is of other people.

A side benefit is that hand puppets draw the attention of lapdogs, especially Pomeranian-Chihuahuas.

• Shoes must always be sneakers. Make sure they’re the type of sneakers that don’t get you into nightclubs*.

Don’t double-knot your shoelaces. A single knot is easier for a friend to lean over and swiftly undo. Your friend can then say, “I’ll keep doing this until you learn to use a double knot” and you can resist this notion for up to two decades.

Instead, let the shoelaces fall limply to the ground for your lap dog to chew on.

Did you know? The ends of your shoelaces are called AGLETS and are at the top of the food pyramid for small dogs.


* Not being let into a nightclub is an honourable defeat, especially for your friends who secretly don't feel like clubbing anyway.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

List of peroxide-haired guys who aren't douchebags: Part 1*

I have spent every year of the last five minutes intensively researching this topic. After extensive trawling, street interviews and turfing potential candidates that turned out to just be Swedish, I have come up with a comprehensive list of men who manage to peroxide their hair without being ostensible douchebags.

1. James Marsters / Spike from Buffy

2. John Simm / The Master

* For Parts II and III, see the list provided in Part I.