About Me

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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Guide to helping a non-smoker buy your smokes

1. The first thing you need to be is out of smokes, or about to be out of smokes. You notice this when your non-smoking friend announces that they are going to the shops.

2. Ask your departing non-smoking friend to wait. Then, ask them to buy you some cigarettes. Say "fine," in an exasperated voice when they start to kick up a fuss. This will help by making them retort, "fine, what am I getting you?"

3. Tell your friend you don't have any cash and they'll have to use your card to pay for the smokes separately. Tell them your password is FART and it's a savings account.

4. Tell them the brand of the smokes, but be vague with other information. When your friend says, "isn't there a number? Don't I have to say 50s or 75s or something?" Scoff at them and tell them they won't be asked for a number.

5. Sit back at home and have a relaxing glass of wine when you think of your friend trying to decide what size pack to get you when the shop assistant says, "25s or 50s?"

6. When your friend gets home, tell them they got the wrong size smokes packet.

7. Ask them for your card and receipt. Glance at the receipt and say, "how much did it cost?" in a shocked voice and then say, "Well, I didn't know you were going to the rip-off smokes place."

8. Have a smoke.

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