About Me

My photo
Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Advice Column: Ask a Stuck-Up Bitch

Dear up-yourself bitch,
I have a problem and I hope you can help. Yesterday I used my husband’s laptop when he wasn’t at home. I decided to look at his internet history and discovered he’s been looking at gay porn. I have no idea what to think and I’m terrified of what this means. Please help, Stuck-up!
Too upset for words

Dear TUFW,
Lol OMG that’s hilarious! Seriously, though, is it possible you got fat and gross and he’s not attracted to you anymore? Sometimes married women let themselves go. I don’t know why they do this, they have only themselves to blame. I would SO never let myself get fat!!! Maybe if you weren't fat he wouldn't have to look at guys?

Once when I went on holidays with Chrissy we were drinking and eating for three days straight, and I put on almost two kilos! I totally cried, even though I still looked hotter than girls who were skinnier than me. I went to my fave hairdresser to get my highlights redone and just generally have a little “me time”. No better person to focus on me than the country’s best hairdresser, right?? He does Dannie Minogue’s and Andrew G’s hair, you know... when he’s not hanging out with his bestie, yours truly <3>

Dear stuck-up bitch,
I’m at a low point in my life and I’m not sure what to do. I have everything I want – a great girlfriend, supportive parents and I got into the course I wanted at uni - but I can’t shake this depressing feeling about my future. I sometimes feel anxious too.
I am particularly worried because my older brother has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and I think it's happening to me too. I’m wondering do you know of any good (read: very discreet) places that help people who fear they have schizophrenia?
Very Worried

Dear VW,
You know what I hate? When people assume that because I’m hot, blonde and a female, I can’t be funny!

The other day, on facebook, I posted a picture of me looking silly and hot. Oh, and also in the photo was my fave gay pal, Michael. I wrote underneath the photo, “My friend’s making a silly face in this photo. He told me not to post it! ;)” It was SOOOO funny because he’d seen it right after the photo was taken and was like, “OMG do NOT post this I look terrible!!!!” lol!!!
Anyway, so then I wrote, “lol sorry just yankin’ ya chain hun” to show that it was a joke and not meant to be taken the wrong way. Because I’m hot, blonde and female, some jealous people think I’m a bitch and twist my words around.

In the end I just Photoshopped him out of the pic and re-uploaded it.


Dear stuck-up bitch,
I finally decided to succumb to the trend and joined facebook. I wanted to add my boyfriend as “in a relationship” with me, but when he was setting my account he said it wouldn’t work. Something about him not having his relationship status showing on his account? Do you think this is a lie and he doesn’t want to admit to his friends that he’s with me, or is it a genuine complaint?
Any advice would be much appreciated – I am new to facebook!
Facebook failer

Dear FF,
Guys can be such douchebags!!! I got the photos back from my recent vacation to New York (a little place in the U.S... maybe you’ve heard of it? :) and I told my boyfriend to Photoshop them as usual and upload them for me. Anyway, he uploaded three photos where my eye colour was natural!!! I was like, “Hello, moron, EVERY one of the 2,000+ photos I have on facebook has me with blue eyes!” He’s changed my eye colour to blue in photos often enough, how could you fucking forget something so easy as that???

One time he came home drunk from after-work drinks when I was already in bed, and I heard him rooting around in the cupboard. I woke up and said, “what the fuck are you doing?” and then I realized he was pissing in my shoe closet! I beat the absolute shit out of him that night - I mean, I just had to.

I’m sure he had a lot of fun explaining his black eye at footie practice the next morning! ;P


Dear stuck-up bitch,
I’m in my early 20s and I go out nightclubbing a lot. I always go with my best friend Sue and we’ve always had a lot of fun. Lately though she’s been getting drunk and confrontational when we go out. She was always a little feisty, but I’m talking about starting fights with guys and bouncers! It’s really making me uncomfortable and we’re being kicked out of clubs on a regular basis now.
I really think she has a drinking problem. Should I tell her?
Thanks a lot,
Fed Up

Dear FU,

OMG one time I was at this club and I’d just bought these amazing ecstasy tablets off my drug dealer (I should add this isn’t a dodgy drug dealer, in fact he’s the top dealer in Brisbane and very rich... everything in his house is Calvin Klein, Armani, even some Harrods etc). I went into the girl’s toilets (where I looked at myself in the mirror on no less than 30 occasions) and saw that my e’s were MISSING and I must have lost them!

I was already in a bad mood because my horoscope said I would be facing great challenges that night... right it was! (I hate being a Libra, but I’m definitely on the cusp of Virgo, which helps.) Anyway, later in the night, I found my pills sitting on the steps at the back of the club! In plain sight! No one had stolen them, I couldn’t believe it! After that I had the best time, and you can see from photos of that night that I was looking unbelievably hot.

Got a problem? You bet you do! Post a comment below and I, The Stuck-Up Bitch, will totally write back. UPDATE: It has come to my attention that some of my facebook "friends" have tagged me in photos I'm not in!! Hello, don't ride my popularity coat-tails by falsely tagging me! I know I'm hot but this is called misrepresentation, people! You may get a genuine photo with me one day, but you'll have to stand in the queue! lol

No comments:

Post a Comment