New study confirms benefits of passing out drunk

In troubled Zimbabwe, over five million people die of passing out drunk each day. It's a gory reality most Westerners swallow each morning with their coffee, because that's something that never happens within our safe shores. Or does it?*

New statistics indicate that, at any given point in time, nine out of 10 people are at threat of passing out drunk within the next three months. And whilst our Zimbabwean brothers struggle with the hardships of passing out under a communist dictatorship, we see a different story emerging in non-terrorist countries.

A study conducted by Arundell Laboratories, Inc., found that passing out can actually provide wealthy middle-class Australians with a surprising array of health benefits. These include:

• Passing out is filled with floor-y goodness. People who have passed out tend to be inert on the floor of someone's living room. By being prostate, passed out people have a drastically reduced chance of bumping their heads into lamps, fans, wind chimes or deliberately into other people.


• Being passed out is negatively correlated with cancer. Studies show that most people who have passed out from drinking too much have a much lower chance of having cancer. This is because people with aggressive cancer don't have the strength or spirit left to get drunk.


• If you are passed out, chances are you are not watching Glee. Even if the show is screening on a nearby TV, unconscious people are immune to its effects. Moreover, most passed-out people can't see a television through their closed eyelids.


• One time I saw a guy green out at the Amsterdam Cafe in Vancouver. He fully lurched out the door, stumbled, and slumped to the ground vomiting while his friend tried holding him up. His face was pool-mould green. For real. Research shows that passed out people are too passed out to be vomiting from a weed overdose on a street corner.


• Passed out people are much less likely to be running a KKK meeting from their basement and broadcasting it to a local cable television station and then dying in a bloody stampede when anti-racism protestors storm the house, injuring several bystanders who were just there to help settle things down.


• Being passed out provides an opportunity for other highly inebriated brethren to distract themselves from also passing out by drawing the word "cock" on the unconscious individual's forehead or cock.


• Passed out people offset their lack of social contribution via an ecological contribution. By being passed and not using equipment, smoking, eating, coughing or breathing, you are massively reducing your carbon footprint. At the other end of the scale, passed out people are not holding eco-awareness rallies in your neighbourhood or asking you to sign a petition against Japanese whaling, so passed out people constitute a nice political neutral zone where you will not have to discuss the environment or politics.

*it does.