About Me

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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Helpful advice column

Q: I'm really wanting to update my garden with a fancy new look. The only problem is, it's autumn! However I hear again and again that though we see beautiful colours around in autumn, it's not a good time to start seeding. Is it true that seed planting is affected this heavily by the milder seasons?

Confused in Camp Mountain

A: You know what? I'm just going to get rid of the elephant in the room. This is really MESSED UP!

First of all, everybody knows it's a cardinal rule to not be crushing on your friend's crush. If she saw him first, let her have at it. Now, if you saw him first, you probably shouldn’t have helped her in the first place and should have told at the point because you saw him first. Am I right?

Second, make sure you've got your facts straight. Are you sure he's making goo-goo eyes at this evil girl? My last piece of advice is to become friends with him. Start off with a joke. That always makes the discomfort dissolve away when I'm making new friends.

And if he still decides to drool over that other girl, drop it, grab some popcorn, and watch him wither in his own tears of despair when he gets rejected. Hey, every girl gets to be a bit mean once in a while. Am I right?

Love and Peace.


Q: I want to make sure I'm getting the best out of my portfolio and picking the right stocks. Like most Australian investors, a sizeable proportion of my portfolio is comprised of mining companies, BHP Billiton, Rio Tinto etc. My question is, does Gillard's latest super resources tax compromise really bode well for the miners? Also, how far will the BP oil spill go towards affecting Australian stocks?

HotInvestor79 from Sydney

A: I know this must be very sad for you and I'm sorry. I send my deepest sympathy. And about your mom, you should stay out of her way but you shouldn't be a ghost. And if she looks really depressed then go up to her and take a chance, say "Mum, I'm sorry about grandpa, do you wanna talk? Maybe I can help." If she says no then politely say, "Ok, I love you." Believe me! It will make her feel better. If she says yes then just hug her and tell her its ok that you love her. And listen. She's an adult; she'll realize it sooner or later. Good luck!


Q. I'm a 15-year-old and I've been in a relationship with a 22-year-old for the past 4 months. I told my parents at first, but they reacted in a very negative way. I said that I wouldn't see him, but I couldn't stay away. He's a really great guy, and I want to continue the relationship, but recently I've been feeling very guilty about not telling my parents and I'm also starting to get nervous and anxious they might find out. What should I do?

So Stressed Out Right Now

A: Dear Karene,

Please find the sales report attached in this email.

I am sorry for the delay. We don't normally pay royalties till the end of the year.

Also we had no recent contact address for you until a month ago and have not heard from you in eight years.

Thanking you for your patience. I would appreciate it if you can confirm you have received payment as I am eager to have this matter settled.

Kind regards


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