About Me

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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Things to say to someone having a panic attack

1. It's all in your head
2. I don't know why you're like this, your sister turned out fine
3. You just need to get over it
4. Toughen up
5. Does your heart seem 'fast'? Yeah! It's beating so hard I can actually see it through your chest!
6. Are you still suffering from those?
7. Well, like it or not, you have to be there in two hours
8. Jesus, you look white
9. I know I'm talking a lot. Is that helping?
10. A job's a job. No one likes their job. Everyone has to work, but we get on with it. You're not special. This is what work is like. You'll just have to stick it out
11. I don't have time for this, I was supposed to be at my grandma's half an hour ago
12. I'll give YOU a panic attack

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