How to Ruin a Behaviour Intervention for an Autistic Child

Autism season is just around the corner, which means a lot of autism interventions lie in your path. In order to make the intervention as unsuccessful as possible, below are a few tips for how to approach your next childhood autism intervention.

1. Late detection is key to making a behaviour intervention fail. Convince the parent of the children that they are overreacting, and that there is nothing wrong with their child. Explain that some children are just shy, and there's no point in testing for autism until one's late 30s. Call the child's doctors liars and leave the family a Church of Scientology leaflet.

2. Target as many troublesome behaviours at once. Different negative behaviours are likely owing to different causes, and thus require different solutions. Try to confuse these behaviours, causes and solutions as often as possible. Talking over the top of others can be helpful here.

3. To muddy possible reasons for the autistic behaviour, tear up the parents' log of the child's behaviour. Most parents with autistic children are concerned and have done their research, meaning they probably have brought a large pile of notes about what happens before each behaviour, the behaviour itself, and what happens after. If you don't tear it up, at least steal it.

4. Provide a way for the child to get their need met in an appropriate way... and then fail to supply that need. Many autistic children can be taught simple things, such as to ask for a snack. Getting the snack is a reward for the child's communication and a good step on the path to overcoming the challenges of autism.

After the child has been taught to expect the snack, discontinue this reinforcement. Once a month or so, offer the child a snack when they haven't asked for one, then slap them across the face if they display pleasure over the snack.

5. You must lose the child's trust if you want results. Once a child has learnt to trust an adult, they will more likely attempt to communicate with this adult.

If you come across as caring at the intervention, the child may open up to you. Nip this in the bud by showing up at the intervention dressed as an obvious pervert, or make inappropriate comments that force the parents to eject you from the intervention before it even starts.

WTS Proton Pills

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WTS PEP (Proton Energy Pills). These pills are not yet illegal on the market, I have a whole bunch of them, I need money, and they are amazing.

One PEP will give you the strength of 20 atom bombs for a period of 20 seconds. The pep will drive you to save the world and make you fly. I know that 20 seconds doesn't sound like long but if you take a hundred or so at once, you can go for hours.

No major side-effects, you will awake the next day as a dimwitted hero until you have the pills again. Please note these pills are not illegal in Australia, however they are script-based only. I really need the money. Serious offers only please.

Please also keep in mind that when you take a Proton Pill, the crooks begin to worry. They might try to steal your stash. Fortunately, they can't escape their awful fate from Protons mighty fury, and you will kill all that oppose you.

Depending on how many more adventures I want to have (I'm getting sick of being Hero of our Nation), I might have some more for sale soon, so stay tuned to this station.

contact me at r.ramjet@compuserve.com

Paladins can't use maces

WARCRAFT TRADE CHAT, BALNAZZAR:

Tireena: Mages learn to make portals

Jerth: that's the sweet thing with mages

Bokena: at what level do u know

Echo: but paladins cant use maces

Kazzling: they can't use maces (paladins)

Main: ya pally can use maces

Kazzling: hunters can't use guns

Holysin: yeah they can use 2 hand maces

Main: also 1 hand

Shadowroot: newb

Kazzling: paladins can't use maces

Main: if pally cant use maces then how come i can equip this? [Lockjaw]

Kazzling: I have no idea... glitch?

Tireena: cuz it's a sword in disguise

Main: u learn it from the weapon trainer in IF dude

Shadowroot: haha

Kazzling: yes it's more of a sword

Kazzling: someone report hack

Kazzling: can't have just one pally in the game who can use maces

Main: rofl

Ebonknight: pallys can to yous a maces

Main: see. thank you

Ebonknight: myn dus

Hottz: LOL

Starcatcher: fail - yours its use dumbass

Ebonknight: my dus that mater?

Main: he said Myn dus as in mine does. u fail

Ebonknight: why

Kazzling: The mightly paladin mace doth lacketh!

Main: it wow fool. who need perfect spelling. if u can make out wat he saying then thats that. stupid

Introducing my friend Cameron

This is my friend Cameron. The time is right to introduce him now, because he'll be appearing repeatedly in my posts.

You're looking at this photo and I know what you're thinking:

a) Nice, curly mop, bro

b) Fuck, he looks drunk

c) Is he trying to do the thumbs up and somehow failing?

d) All of the above simultaneously and in the pit of my stomach so that it rots and hurts deep inside.

Cameron might look like a 1940s greaser (the type that were kind of hard and rough on the rugged exterior but soft at heart so they don't end up in jail, though they appear that they might), but he's got a fond spot for dogs. Miniature dogs.

At present, Cameron's lap dog of choice is a Pomeranian-Chihuahua mix. I've never seen him more content as when he's lazing back in my father's old chair with a Pomchi on his lap and a dream in his smile. Once, he even said to me, "Mate, no beer or chick is as good as a nice lap dog." I guess he would know.

But I know what he's like. He's determined and the grass is always greener on the other side. The other day we were walking down to the BP and he made a sexual comment about a woman passing by. It was unfortunately a few minutes later when I realized he meant the teacup Chihuahua the woman was "walking". I was too busy talking about the global financial crisis to even notice when he ducked back and stole the Chihuahua. Where he hid the dog on his person, I am not so sure. I think he put it down his crotch.

He's now forcing the dog to live on his lap. At first it kept trying to get up, but he sticky-taped it down. (I am now also out of sticky tape.) Then it got free of that, so he put a telephone book on top of it to "keep it down". I was sort of impressed by the fact that he found a telephone book in this day and age and didn't say anything. However, when I found out the dog suffocated I realized I should have paid more attention and not gone out to watch Sex & The City 2 instead of waiting behind, hoping to stop Cam kill a designer puppy, like I always knew he would.

Yeah, so my main problem is now not that the dog is dead but that Cam STILL won't take it off his lap and it's stinking the place up a bit. I tried stuffing it with potpourri and it's making things slightly better. But I wish Cam would get up and leave my house and take his dead dog with him. My house inspection is tomorrow and I cannot afford another dead animal on my inspection report.

Things to say to someone having a panic attack

1. It's all in your head
2. I don't know why you're like this, your sister turned out fine
3. You just need to get over it
4. Toughen up
5. Does your heart seem 'fast'? Yeah! It's beating so hard I can actually see it through your chest!
6. Are you still suffering from those?
7. Well, like it or not, you have to be there in two hours
8. Jesus, you look white
9. I know I'm talking a lot. Is that helping?
10. A job's a job. No one likes their job. Everyone has to work, but we get on with it. You're not special. This is what work is like. You'll just have to stick it out
11. I don't have time for this, I was supposed to be at my grandma's half an hour ago
12. I'll give YOU a panic attack

"Dude, that's my sister":

1. To experience disgust when accused of being in a sexual relationship with one's own sister; to feel abhorrence at another's ignorance to the true familial state of a relationship, and the false assumption of a romantic kinship.