About Me

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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I was emailed a very exciting employment opportunity today. I responded ASAP because the global financial crisis has made it very difficult for me to find work.

I've attached the employer's name and email address in case there are others out there looking for work and growing dispirited by our shrinking job market. It's heartening to know at least that there are still people out there willing to offer jobs at a time when consumer confidence is nearing all-time lows.

You know it's a good potential job when there's a line of jibberish at the very bottom of the email, typically comprised of random words generated by extracting online classic novels available in .txt format.


Hi! Our firm has found your CV on jobboard website and thought you might be a prospective employee.

Requirements :
- Location: Australia, New Zealand
- Residency or Work-Visa: Required
- Adult age - Education: High School/College Salary : 51,000 AUD/year+bonus.

For more information, please reply back with your contact details. 

Have a nice day.

About fifty blank lines inserted

Badly he turned round up, emptied his crevasse, spilled up his voyage, and unraveled all let them, the ordinary riches meaning innumerable thirty seconds. 

Jayme Fulton 

Dear Jayme 

Thank you for your email re: employment opportunities within your organization. I am an Australian citizen of adult age with a Bachelor's degree. 

As the job description is vague, I will outline what I am seeking in a job: 

 - A pimp who doesn't beat me for longer than two hours straight. I can take a pretty decent beating for an hour and a half and my father was always proud of that, but afterwards I end up crying like a little bitch in the foetal position. Customers don't like bitches who cry, unless they specifically ask for this beforehand. I can however cry on cue by remembering the time my legal guardian killed my puppy using kitchen skewers and bolt cutters when I left the screen door open. Scratches was in so many little pieces, I couldn't even get his head stuffed for my wall, let alone the whole body. However we don't live in a tent.

 - I prefer a place of employment rather than working on the go. My experiences have shown I am MUCH more likely to be fucked over by drug dealers on the street than when I go to an established junkie's house. Yes, I am much more likely to be kidnapped and tortured for weeks on end inside a dingy residential apartment, but I am usually on drugs the whole time and that's why I'm there in the first place so I can't complain. Street sellers tend to take your money, stab you and leave you to die in the gutter on the outskirts of town. It's even worse when they rape you because it's like YOU are paying THEM for sex, and I don't know about you but I prefer it the other way around.

 - I DON'T DO SIBLINGS FOR EXTRA PAY ANYMORE. The last time this happened my brother took all the cash and ran away with my boyfriend. They also took the coffee machine with them and I can't wake up and work properly in the morning without my caffeine hit.

 - I no longer assist in shipping migrant prostitutes into developed countries as sex slaves. I'm not sure if you know this, but this is illegal. I also consider it to be very annoying as I don't understand the "Ching Chong" talk that most of them speak. They also cry for weeks, sometimes months, on end and this is very annoying. Believe it or not, it's more annoying than the sound of a starving baby crying. Abortions are so expensive nowadays.

 - I absolutely ADORE Lot Lizards. I lived in a dumpster at a truck stop for two years once and it was literally the best time of my life. After sex and forced sodomy, truckers sometimes let me play with their CB radio. It's SO MUCH fun to talk to other truckers about fake traffic accidents and road closures. One time a guy was late delivering livestock because we detoured him out into the middle of nowhere. Ha ha, no one came to help him and he ended up eating live chickens and cattle until he died of Mad Cow Disease. He was patient zero. At least that's what we told the other truckers to scare them, lol. 

If you need any further information, my spam box is ready to receive your intel. 

Ps Maybe I should have asked this sooner but YOU ARE NOT A COP ARE YOU??????? 

Your loyal future employee

1 comment:

  1. Well, if you're not swamped with job offers after that, I'll eat my hat!