Words of Wisdom from Dad

• “Amy Winehouse, absolutely.” - On which celebrity will die next
  


• “You didn’t have one of those funny cigarettes before you went out, did you?” - On my car accident
  


• “So ugly. Her chin is just disgusting.” - On Reese Witherspoon
  


• “I’m going to have a shower. I got this bit down around my crotch I can never reach... Can you help me?” – To any of my female friends who visit
  


• “Is it just me, or did the air get gayer in here all of a sudden? Oh, hello.” – To any of my male friends or boyfriends who visit
  


• “We got to the cinema, sat down, and after about fifteen minutes I realized I’d taken her to a full-on porno movie. This was back when they’d play real porn in cinemas.” - On his first date with my then 16-year-old mother
  


• “I’m sick of this rap crap.” – On Sum 41
  


• “That’s in South America.” – Whenever someone remarks that the air is “chilly”
  
  
• "What's wrong with Britney? She'd be a good root, I reckon. I'd slip Li-Lo one, too." On celebrity hotness
  
  
• “What’s the word for once every two years? Is it biannual, or biennial? Anyway, I just did my biennial washing of the bed sheets. There was one very specific section that was just black.” - On hygiene
  


• “God, I can’t be bothered having a shower today. Anyway, I bet the water is as cold as a nun’s cunt.” - Hygiene wisdom, part II
  


• “My mate dressed up in a gorilla suit and I was in a laboratory sort of outfit, holding a giant net in my hands. We got out at David Jones, and I chased him through the store, past all the staff and customers. We got onto a tram that was stopped in the middle of the Brisbane City Mall, ran up the aisle, and jumped off... I chased him all the way to Town Hall. Our mates were waiting there in the car, and we drove off.” – On attending university
  


• “Murphy! Stop fucking her face!” - On canine fornication
  


• “Jesus, I need something to lift me up after that. Someone get me to the pub.’” – Providing the inner monologue for Lindsay Lohan, just sentenced to a 90-day jail sentence for failure to attend AA meetings
  


• “I’m smart enough to win this show, but they only take people who dance around like fuckwits.” – On Deal or No Deal.
  


• “Now, he’s gay.” – On any game show contestant that is not overtly masculine
  


• “The dog just beat the amount of licks he had from his water-bowl - in one go – this morning. Guess how many? He took 107 sips. His previous record was 103.” – On his dog’s water consumption
  


• “He just strains at the lead like you wouldn’t believe... gasping for air, choking on his collar. He only ever does it when there’s someone else around. I say to him, “shut the fuck up”, but he never does.” – On walking the dog
  


• “I haven’t dreamed in about five years, but I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I had this beautiful country cottage, somewhere in England. In the dream I woke up and went downstairs and my living room was filled with old pussies - Gran, Nandy, Gert, Betty – all the old women I’ve known in real life. They’d taken over the house and they were sitting on chairs in a large circle. They were clucking like hens and nattering on, and I realized I’d have to make them tea. It was the worst thing I could imagine.” - On elderly women
  


• “Said the actress to the bishop.” – Whenever someone says something that could be vaguely construed as sexual
  


• “My paladin is stuck in Stormwind and I’ve got to do this quest using my Sword Of A Thousand Souls.” – On pretending to play World of Warcraft
  


• “Show us your tits.” – On blonde female TV reporters
  

I'm rich and you're poor, but let's dance

"Society won't like it."
"I don't care."

"The movie follows Andie West as she pursues her big dream of becoming a street dancer. Her mother died of cancer when Andie was 16; she now lives with her mother's best friend, Sarah, but in reality, Andie feels like she does not belong anywhere. Andie trains with her dance crew, the "410" (pronounced four-one-oh), to keep the title of the illegal competition 'The Streets'.

As of August 4, 2008, Step Up 2 the Streets had grossed a worldwide total of $144,045,198, outperforming its predecessor."

New study confirms benefits of passing out drunk

In troubled Zimbabwe, over five million people die of passing out drunk each day. It's a gory reality most Westerners swallow each morning with their coffee, because that's something that never happens within our safe shores. Or does it?*

New statistics indicate that, at any given point in time, nine out of 10 people are at threat of passing out drunk within the next three months. And whilst our Zimbabwean brothers struggle with the hardships of passing out under a communist dictatorship, we see a different story emerging in non-terrorist countries.

A study conducted by Arundell Laboratories, Inc., found that passing out can actually provide wealthy middle-class Australians with a surprising array of health benefits. These include:

• Passing out is filled with floor-y goodness. People who have passed out tend to be inert on the floor of someone's living room. By being prostate, passed out people have a drastically reduced chance of bumping their heads into lamps, fans, wind chimes or deliberately into other people.


• Being passed out is negatively correlated with cancer. Studies show that most people who have passed out from drinking too much have a much lower chance of having cancer. This is because people with aggressive cancer don't have the strength or spirit left to get drunk.


• If you are passed out, chances are you are not watching Glee. Even if the show is screening on a nearby TV, unconscious people are immune to its effects. Moreover, most passed-out people can't see a television through their closed eyelids.


• One time I saw a guy green out at the Amsterdam Cafe in Vancouver. He fully lurched out the door, stumbled, and slumped to the ground vomiting while his friend tried holding him up. His face was pool-mould green. For real. Research shows that passed out people are too passed out to be vomiting from a weed overdose on a street corner.


• Passed out people are much less likely to be running a KKK meeting from their basement and broadcasting it to a local cable television station and then dying in a bloody stampede when anti-racism protestors storm the house, injuring several bystanders who were just there to help settle things down.


• Being passed out provides an opportunity for other highly inebriated brethren to distract themselves from also passing out by drawing the word "cock" on the unconscious individual's forehead or cock.


• Passed out people offset their lack of social contribution via an ecological contribution. By being passed and not using equipment, smoking, eating, coughing or breathing, you are massively reducing your carbon footprint. At the other end of the scale, passed out people are not holding eco-awareness rallies in your neighbourhood or asking you to sign a petition against Japanese whaling, so passed out people constitute a nice political neutral zone where you will not have to discuss the environment or politics.

*it does.

Bill Evans is my boyfriend in my mind

When I was saving the photo of this man on the right, it automatically came up as "Evans,B.jpg" in my save box, causing my heart to lurch.

----

What was it about seeing his official name written out like that?

-----

I guess I would have preferred to have gone, "Right mouse click, save" and then seen a box pop up on my computer saying "Save as Evans,B.&Arundell,K,4Ever.jpg" straight up. Changing the title to this is a minor pain in the arse for me, but on a deeper level it's unpleasant for me to see Bill Evans' name separated from mine. I will write to the site this image came from and ask them to change the image name. It gives me sadistic pleasure to think of myself claiming Evans, B. via email.

evans

It's not superficial. I didn't grow up thinking, "One day I want to marry someone who is the Managing Director of a Big Four Bank and also reads the latest financial news to adoring listeners on Channel 7". Everyone knows the man of one's dreams doesn't fit a checklist. They just have the kind of smack-bang, straight-to-your-vagina magnetism that rises up all hot into your chest until you interrupt dinner conversation and rush to the toilets to try to breathe away an orgasm. You know, just have that trait that Bill has.

evans

Mariah Carey might have a voice like honey but Bill's voice is more like someone dropping a tractor on a small baby from a significant height. (I imagine the baby to be at the bottom of the Grand Canyon and the tractor to be dropped by another bigger yellow tractor at the lip of the canyon.) It is sudden, shocking, dangerous, fun and should be shown on Channel 7 news.

evans

Did you know that William (Bill) Evans - (careful, heart, careful) - is a graduate of Sydney University? That he got an Honours in Economics and even a University Medal? I bet you that medal has an engraving of Bill's profile but with Bill dressed up as Napoleon or something. Maybe dressed as Cesaer, but I know a lot of Romans used to be gay and Bill is definitely not gay (my gay friend agrees with me).

evans

As Westpac's economic spokesman, "Bill travels frequently, advising Westpac's customers on the Australian economy and financial markets." What this doesn't say is, "Bill travels a lot but he doesn't go to the Phillippines and have sex with prostitutes, or get with groupies whenever he's staying at Trump Tower or staying at the biggest Hilton in the world to tell Paris Hilton's Dad about the Australian economy." That's because Bill's not like that. He would be the perfect human and never cheat. Like most finance gurus, his mind is only able to concentrate on one concept and focus on just this concept indefinitely. He would not be distracted by other women. His mind, like his voice, is like a grey rock that is just grey and definitely has no veins of colour or silver in it.

evans

Look at that photo of Bill. It looks like it was taken in the 80s, so Bill was probably around 70 years old there. I wish I knew him back then, when the age difference was not so insurmountable. Not that I think he's too old for me; on the contrary. But why would he want me? An old man, his voice rich with charisma, interested in an attractive, young, sensual woman who likes The Big Lebowski? I bet he hasn't even heard of that movie.

evans

I will win him over. I'll dress up in a stuffy grey suit and 80's-ify my hair, and I'll reek of tobacco. I'll casuallly saunter into Channel 7 while he's finishing up, lean into my hip, tip my head and hold up a fishing pole. I'll say, "I need a partner. Know where I can find one?" And he'll say, "You just did", and we will go fishing, but I'll be the one catching all the fish and he won't catch anything. It'll be funny and I'll stand up in the canoe and laugh, pointing at him. Then I will accidentally topple over the canoe and we'll fall in the lake. We will come up for air, and as he emerges Bill's hair wisps will form a fine, glittering spider's web on his wet dome. I'll say, "Maybe fishing wasn't the best idea," and he'll grab me, stilling my words, with a big fish-lipped kiss.

evans

Bill Evans reads the finance report on Channel 7 News in a monotone that will not cause heart attacks for elderly, hypersensitive women. He doesn't have a wikipedia entry, because he is above all that.

The real Wikipedia, standing up

Helpful advice column

Q: I'm really wanting to update my garden with a fancy new look. The only problem is, it's autumn! However I hear again and again that though we see beautiful colours around in autumn, it's not a good time to start seeding. Is it true that seed planting is affected this heavily by the milder seasons?

Confused in Camp Mountain


A: You know what? I'm just going to get rid of the elephant in the room. This is really MESSED UP!

First of all, everybody knows it's a cardinal rule to not be crushing on your friend's crush. If she saw him first, let her have at it. Now, if you saw him first, you probably shouldn’t have helped her in the first place and should have told at the point because you saw him first. Am I right?

Second, make sure you've got your facts straight. Are you sure he's making goo-goo eyes at this evil girl? My last piece of advice is to become friends with him. Start off with a joke. That always makes the discomfort dissolve away when I'm making new friends.

And if he still decides to drool over that other girl, drop it, grab some popcorn, and watch him wither in his own tears of despair when he gets rejected. Hey, every girl gets to be a bit mean once in a while. Am I right?

Love and Peace.

----------------------------------------------

Q: I want to make sure I'm getting the best out of my portfolio and picking the right stocks. Like most Australian investors, a sizeable proportion of my portfolio is comprised of mining companies, BHP Billiton, Rio Tinto etc. My question is, does Gillard's latest super resources tax compromise really bode well for the miners? Also, how far will the BP oil spill go towards affecting Australian stocks?

HotInvestor79 from Sydney


A: I know this must be very sad for you and I'm sorry. I send my deepest sympathy. And about your mom, you should stay out of her way but you shouldn't be a ghost. And if she looks really depressed then go up to her and take a chance, say "Mum, I'm sorry about grandpa, do you wanna talk? Maybe I can help." If she says no then politely say, "Ok, I love you." Believe me! It will make her feel better. If she says yes then just hug her and tell her its ok that you love her. And listen. She's an adult; she'll realize it sooner or later. Good luck!

------------------------------------------------

Q. I'm a 15-year-old and I've been in a relationship with a 22-year-old for the past 4 months. I told my parents at first, but they reacted in a very negative way. I said that I wouldn't see him, but I couldn't stay away. He's a really great guy, and I want to continue the relationship, but recently I've been feeling very guilty about not telling my parents and I'm also starting to get nervous and anxious they might find out. What should I do?

So Stressed Out Right Now


A: Dear Karene,

Please find the sales report attached in this email.

I am sorry for the delay. We don't normally pay royalties till the end of the year.

Also we had no recent contact address for you until a month ago and have not heard from you in eight years.

Thanking you for your patience. I would appreciate it if you can confirm you have received payment as I am eager to have this matter settled.

Kind regards

Lydia

Midnight in Manhattan Dreams; Overall grade: F-

Midnight in Manhattan Dreams - Rated R (some violence, full frontal nudity); director: Karene Arundell; starring: Karene Arundell

Overall grade: F-

Check out the information above, home-slices. And to the left. I'm IN this movie, fools. I must be, otherwise why would this awesome poster be here?

Roger Ebert says of Midnight in Manhattan dreams, "as slow-moving as it is trite, Midnight is one of the worst indie films to make it straight to DVD this year. Not for one moment does the film show any semblance of a relatable storyline. The main character, Karene (in a hideous attempt at self-promotion being the same name as the actor), is fundamentally unlikeable. I'd rather get cancer again than sit through this."

Scott Wilson of the Chicago Tribune noted, "so awful that it's almost funny, but it fails even here. It is never explained why the title character is in Manhattan, and the film seems to be set entirely in some backwards country town in Australia. The film's antagonist, a talking dog called Goofy, is less CGI than 1920s Disney-drawing. Absolutely awful on all fronts. Giving this film an F- is a compliment."

On the other hand, Rolling Stone called Midnight in Manhattan Dreams, "a film that... has actors... cross-breeding, and... vegemite... absolute abortion... of misjustice".

Anyway, gotta run. I can see a soft purple-pink dissolve settling across the camera-screen of my eyes, and I'm pretty sure that means I'm about to have a reflective moment about Manhattan.

How to Ruin a Behaviour Intervention for an Autistic Child

Autism season is just around the corner, which means a lot of autism interventions lie in your path. In order to make the intervention as unsuccessful as possible, below are a few tips for how to approach your next childhood autism intervention.

1. Late detection is key to making a behaviour intervention fail. Convince the parent of the children that they are overreacting, and that there is nothing wrong with their child. Explain that some children are just shy, and there's no point in testing for autism until one's late 30s. Call the child's doctors liars and leave the family a Church of Scientology leaflet.

2. Target as many troublesome behaviours at once. Different negative behaviours are likely owing to different causes, and thus require different solutions. Try to confuse these behaviours, causes and solutions as often as possible. Talking over the top of others can be helpful here.

3. To muddy possible reasons for the autistic behaviour, tear up the parents' log of the child's behaviour. Most parents with autistic children are concerned and have done their research, meaning they probably have brought a large pile of notes about what happens before each behaviour, the behaviour itself, and what happens after. If you don't tear it up, at least steal it.

4. Provide a way for the child to get their need met in an appropriate way... and then fail to supply that need. Many autistic children can be taught simple things, such as to ask for a snack. Getting the snack is a reward for the child's communication and a good step on the path to overcoming the challenges of autism.

After the child has been taught to expect the snack, discontinue this reinforcement. Once a month or so, offer the child a snack when they haven't asked for one, then slap them across the face if they display pleasure over the snack.

5. You must lose the child's trust if you want results. Once a child has learnt to trust an adult, they will more likely attempt to communicate with this adult.

If you come across as caring at the intervention, the child may open up to you. Nip this in the bud by showing up at the intervention dressed as an obvious pervert, or make inappropriate comments that force the parents to eject you from the intervention before it even starts.

WTS Proton Pills

Craigslist >> FOR SALE

WTS PEP (Proton Energy Pills). These pills are not yet illegal on the market, I have a whole bunch of them, I need money, and they are amazing.

One PEP will give you the strength of 20 atom bombs for a period of 20 seconds. The pep will drive you to save the world and make you fly. I know that 20 seconds doesn't sound like long but if you take a hundred or so at once, you can go for hours.

No major side-effects, you will awake the next day as a dimwitted hero until you have the pills again. Please note these pills are not illegal in Australia, however they are script-based only. I really need the money. Serious offers only please.

Please also keep in mind that when you take a Proton Pill, the crooks begin to worry. They might try to steal your stash. Fortunately, they can't escape their awful fate from Protons mighty fury, and you will kill all that oppose you.

Depending on how many more adventures I want to have (I'm getting sick of being Hero of our Nation), I might have some more for sale soon, so stay tuned to this station.

contact me at r.ramjet@compuserve.com

Paladins can't use maces

WARCRAFT TRADE CHAT, BALNAZZAR:

Tireena: Mages learn to make portals

Jerth: that's the sweet thing with mages

Bokena: at what level do u know

Echo: but paladins cant use maces

Kazzling: they can't use maces (paladins)

Main: ya pally can use maces

Kazzling: hunters can't use guns

Holysin: yeah they can use 2 hand maces

Main: also 1 hand

Shadowroot: newb

Kazzling: paladins can't use maces

Main: if pally cant use maces then how come i can equip this? [Lockjaw]

Kazzling: I have no idea... glitch?

Tireena: cuz it's a sword in disguise

Main: u learn it from the weapon trainer in IF dude

Shadowroot: haha

Kazzling: yes it's more of a sword

Kazzling: someone report hack

Kazzling: can't have just one pally in the game who can use maces

Main: rofl

Ebonknight: pallys can to yous a maces

Main: see. thank you

Ebonknight: myn dus

Hottz: LOL

Starcatcher: fail - yours its use dumbass

Ebonknight: my dus that mater?

Main: he said Myn dus as in mine does. u fail

Ebonknight: why

Kazzling: The mightly paladin mace doth lacketh!

Main: it wow fool. who need perfect spelling. if u can make out wat he saying then thats that. stupid

Introducing my friend Cameron

This is my friend Cameron. The time is right to introduce him now, because he'll be appearing repeatedly in my posts.

You're looking at this photo and I know what you're thinking:

a) Nice, curly mop, bro

b) Fuck, he looks drunk

c) Is he trying to do the thumbs up and somehow failing?

d) All of the above simultaneously and in the pit of my stomach so that it rots and hurts deep inside.

Cameron might look like a 1940s greaser (the type that were kind of hard and rough on the rugged exterior but soft at heart so they don't end up in jail, though they appear that they might), but he's got a fond spot for dogs. Miniature dogs.

At present, Cameron's lap dog of choice is a Pomeranian-Chihuahua mix. I've never seen him more content as when he's lazing back in my father's old chair with a Pomchi on his lap and a dream in his smile. Once, he even said to me, "Mate, no beer or chick is as good as a nice lap dog." I guess he would know.

But I know what he's like. He's determined and the grass is always greener on the other side. The other day we were walking down to the BP and he made a sexual comment about a woman passing by. It was unfortunately a few minutes later when I realized he meant the teacup Chihuahua the woman was "walking". I was too busy talking about the global financial crisis to even notice when he ducked back and stole the Chihuahua. Where he hid the dog on his person, I am not so sure. I think he put it down his crotch.

He's now forcing the dog to live on his lap. At first it kept trying to get up, but he sticky-taped it down. (I am now also out of sticky tape.) Then it got free of that, so he put a telephone book on top of it to "keep it down". I was sort of impressed by the fact that he found a telephone book in this day and age and didn't say anything. However, when I found out the dog suffocated I realized I should have paid more attention and not gone out to watch Sex & The City 2 instead of waiting behind, hoping to stop Cam kill a designer puppy, like I always knew he would.

Yeah, so my main problem is now not that the dog is dead but that Cam STILL won't take it off his lap and it's stinking the place up a bit. I tried stuffing it with potpourri and it's making things slightly better. But I wish Cam would get up and leave my house and take his dead dog with him. My house inspection is tomorrow and I cannot afford another dead animal on my inspection report.

Things to say to someone having a panic attack

1. It's all in your head
2. I don't know why you're like this, your sister turned out fine
3. You just need to get over it
4. Toughen up
5. Does your heart seem 'fast'? Yeah! It's beating so hard I can actually see it through your chest!
6. Are you still suffering from those?
7. Well, like it or not, you have to be there in two hours
8. Jesus, you look white
9. I know I'm talking a lot. Is that helping?
10. A job's a job. No one likes their job. Everyone has to work, but we get on with it. You're not special. This is what work is like. You'll just have to stick it out
11. I don't have time for this, I was supposed to be at my grandma's half an hour ago
12. I'll give YOU a panic attack

"Dude, that's my sister":

1. To experience disgust when accused of being in a sexual relationship with one's own sister; to feel abhorrence at another's ignorance to the true familial state of a relationship, and the false assumption of a romantic kinship.